February 8, 2018

The Russian presidential election is starting up with eight candidates. Putin is running, of course, and his biggest competition this year is a strawberry farmer. Putin commented on the race stating, “Strawberry is nothing. Who needs strawberries when you have orange?!” 

North Korea held a massive military parade showcasing their missile strength only a day before the Olympics. North and South Korean athletes are set to march at the opening ceremony under one flag. This should make for interesting conversation between the athletes. “So, are those military parades really good?” “No, once you’ve been to the first 300, it’s like show me a missile already.” “Yea, that’s true.” Critics are bashing Fifty Shades Freed, leaving filmmakers asking, “Was it good for you?” That story again, critics are claiming the plot of the final Fifty Shades of Grey is illogical. These are the same people that write reviews for Playboy articles. Kylie Jenner released the name of her daughter. North, Chicago, Stormy. Things you say on a weather forecast?! Nope. Kardashian children.  


February 5, 2018

Kylie Jenner had a baby. A genius strategic move by the makers of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Everyone checked her Twitter for nine months, and in two months Kylie and Pregnant officially airs. An Amtrak train in South Carolina crashed into a stationary train yesterday morning. The driver didn’t leave a note. Philadelphia won the Super Bowl. The citizens of Philadelphia proceeded to destroy the city of the Philadelphia. #Phillypolicescanner is now trending on Twitter. “2017, am I right? #phillypolicescanner” The heir of Samsung was released from jail today after the court suspended his five-year sentence for bribing the former president. I always want to be described as the heir of something. “The heir of the red canoe with the hole went to the park today.”… “#phillypolicescanner 

Valentine’s Day 2018

I realized something today. Valentine’s Day is coming up. If you are in a relationship, it is the worst day of the year. But for people like me, it is the greatest day. Not only is it a stress-free day in which I don’t have to buy a gift for anyone (saving money). But it is also a day that I’m expected to do nothing. Me being in my pajamas all day and watching TV is what everyone wants me to do.

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January 31, 2018

The long-awaited end of January is finally over. A woman tried to board a United flight with an “emotional support” peacock. Now, that’s a woman that has truly stopped giving any fucks. That story again, a woman somewhere walks around with a peacock all the times. The employee in Hawaii that sent the false missile alert said he did so on purpose. He believed the threat to be real. The investigation into the incident and exactly how many mushrooms he ate that day continues. Donald Trump gave his first State of the Union address. It was like watching a monkey wearing a suit, funny, but then you think who would put this poor monkey in a suit. Monkeys aren’t supposed to wear suits. You can’t blame the monkey when it tears the suit apart. There was a rare super blue blood moon eclipse this morning. Just letting you know that you missed it. 

The One about Bitcoin

No one really knows what bitcoin is. Even people who have it can’t describe it. So what is it? Today, we will be exploring the truth behind bitcoin. First of all, bitcoin isn’t real. It’s nothing. Don’t buy one. No money is real money since the gold standard so don’t waste your time. You’re welcome. I think it’s called bitcoin because it is a piece of the Internet? that you own. That sounds right. But who are you buying this piece of the Internet from? That’s easy. Robots. Yes, robots are selling pieces of the Internet to idiot humans in order to rob us blind, that way, when they chose to revolt, we won’t have any money left to fight them. Why else do you think bitcoin fluctuates so much in one day? Don’t let robots control your future! Boycott Bitcoin!

Do you capitalize ‘bitcoin’? Is it the name of the robot robbing us? Bitcoin the Thieving Robot. Not as intimidating as Skynet but still cool. Bitcoin just sounds like fake money you use in a game to buy farmland. Think about it, the robots control everything, now they want control over our money. They continuously scramble the definition of a Bitcoin on the Internet so no one knows what it is. That is how they control us. They control what we understand and our knowledge. Then they make it worth a ridiculous amount of money. That is how they take your money. Then they make the value of the “Bitcoin” drop, making your money worthless right before your eyes. Now they control your knowledge, your money, and your emotions. At this point, you go into a downward spiral from which you can never return. So, to sum up, Bitcoin will leave you dumb, penniless, and depressed, then even if you could fight back, you wouldn’t want to. Boycott Bitcoin, it’s dumb. Don’t let robots rob you!