Ode to the Chellyfish: Fellyfish

Dedicated to my friend and trainer, Michael Fegan; each day training with you takes away another day of joy.


There once was a turtle

who recently got the most beautiful

abs in all the land. He trained and trained,

doing vigorous sit ups

and taking pictures every Transformation Tuesday

until at last, they were perfection.

He was so excited

he replaced all his wallpaper

with mirrors and threw away all his shirts.

Everything was perfect,

but he had a problem.

He had no one to share them with,

so he was sad.

He was madly in love with

Caramermaid, Amy Sea Horse, Rachel Sea Cucumber, and Maggapus.

He called them the ‘Potential Fellyfish.’

He was so mystified by their beauty

that every time he tried to talk to them,

he would shell up.

So he asked his beautiful daughter,

Thomasina, for help.

“Sweetie, I need your help.”


“I’m having trouble talking to the single moms from your school.”


“Thomasina, I’m trying to find you a new mother. I’m a lonely turtle.”

“Dad, I don’t care.”

The turtle was amazed by his daughter’s wisdom.

He just needed to stop caring.

He decided to approach the ‘Potential Fellyfish’ one last time.

Next Tuesday afternoon, after posting his Transformation Tuesday picture,

making sure to tag the ‘Potential Fellyfish’ in the photo;

he left to pick up his daughter from school.

As usual the ‘Potential Fellyfish’ were talking outside the school.

He marched up to them,

climbed out of his shell

so they could see his abs weren’t a photoshop ruse.

“Hey ladies! I don’t know how to say this but…

I drive these fishes crazy,

I’m swimming on the daily.

They doin lots of pull ups,

then kiss me on these polyps,

my lips, my lips, my lips, my lips.

My finny fishy lips.

The ‘Potential Fellyfish’ instantly fell in love

with the turtle’s magnificent abs and Magic Mike-like dance moves.

They fell to their knees before him begging for marriage.

“Get ready for the ride of your life,” said Amy Sea Horse.

“I specialize in suction,” said Maggapus.

“I have boobs!” exclaimed Caramermaid.

“My mouth is made of tentacles,” said Rachel Sea Cucumber.

So the turtle chose them all.

Thomasina never lived without a mother again.

Her real mother didn’t die, she just divorced the turtle for being fat.

The End

Want the real Chellyfish? Follow this link http://www.thechellyfish.com/



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