As he was walking home from his job at the factory making pants, he thought, Why must I wear pants?! Pants are a prison for my beautiful thighs!
He decided to take a short cut through the woods. The sooner he could take off his pants, the better.
The moon was glowing with abnormal brightness this night, as if to provide Mark Ment with a flashlight home. Just as he was about to make the final turn to his house, a bright light followed by a sound as if something was crashing to the Earth, stopped him. He walked cautiously towards the light. He could see a hole where something had stuck the Earth. It was a Fairtex package.
He picked up the steaming package and carried it home. In the comfort of his studio apartment, he prepared to open the mysterious package.
As he cut into the packag–
“Shut up Paxton!” he yelled at his dog, who had not stopped barking since he entered with the box.
The box produced a massive flashing light. Almost like a tiny rave was happening within the box. He opened it to find a magnificently tiny pair of bright yellow shorts. He immediately ripped off his pants and slid them on.
He couldn’t believe the freedom he felt and vowed to never let them leave his body. Like seriously, he wouldn’t take them off. Even if he had already worn them to like a really hard workout class and sweat in them real bad; he would continue to wear them.
He starred at himself in the mirror. His legs looked so beautiful under the shorts. Like these shorts were meant to be his. Maybe this was fate. Maybe this was true love. He didn’t care. It was magical.
Rave lights similar to the ones within the box appeared beneath his shorts. He thought he might be getting a magical penis for a second, but something else happened. His legs began to change. What once was simply above average, suddenly became totally jacked. If his legs were a country, they were now Mother Russia: strong, unruly, but with a certain beauty and grace.
He went to bed happy, and hanging free, not giving any thought to the mystery of the shorts or his now strong legs.
The next morning he woke up and leapt from bed. He examined himself in the mirror in his shiny yellow shorts. He placed his factory pants over his shorts and whistled on his way to work.
He took the long way today, excited to feel the silk all day long. Just before he got to work, he heard a scream. Hoping it was a damsel in distress that he could rescue, he ran towards the sound.
When he arrived he found a small redhaired boy of about 15 being beaten by a woman that looked to be a hooker. Mark tore away his factory pants and prepared for action.
“Hey, lady! Get your damn hands off him!” He shouted with the same gusto as Marty McFly.
“Hey, how you know my name be Lady?” She asked.
He stood confused for a moment then continued. “Why are you hurting this boy?”
“This ain’t no boy! He shiffed me my money!” She said as some hair fell out of her head.
“Well, irregardless. Unhand him or face the wrath of….ummm…” he thought for a minute of the perfect superhero name befitting his tiny shorts. “Face the wrath of Tiny Shorts!”
Shit, that was the worst name I could’ve chosen. It implies I may also have a tiny penis… Oh well, gotta commit now!
“Tiny Shorts? Really?” said the hooker. Even the boy looked at him with confusion.
“Well…yeah…I got Tiny Shorts…and, yeah, just let him go!”
The hooker lunged at Tiny Shorts; and before either of them knew what was happening the hooker was on the ground, and Tiny Shorts was wiping her blood from his shirt.
“Woah, dude. What was that?” asked the boy.
“Ummm…that was Tiny Shorts.” He shrugged and walked away.
As soon as Mark got home he went to work changing all his pants into tear-aways. No one would recognize him because he always wore pants in public. Now, he would be ready for trouble at any moment. He agonized on whether or not he should lose the shirt too. After a long night, he decided it only made sense to also be shirtless. Because what kind of superhero that wears tiny shorts, would also wear a shirt? It didn’t make sense.
And with that, it was decided. Without training or any preparation at all, by day he was the factory worker Mark Ment, and by night, or anytime there is trouble (because superheroes save people at all times of the day now, it’s 2016), he would be…Tiny Shorts.