Molly Rumpt: A Monologue

There’s no saving us now. America is gone. Say goodbye to America.

[Checks her twitter.]

It’s up to me to save it. Our country is in serious trouble. When do we beat Mexico at the border? They’re laughing at us, at our stupidity. And now they are beating us economically. They are not our friend, believe me. But they’re killing us economically.

I am the perfect candidate. I’m so successful. I’ve been very successful. I have to beat Clinton. I have to beat him. Men can do anything but this. This dog will ruin us all with his equality. We’ll be ruined. Bernie won’t be a problem. That bag of skin looks terrible.

[Checks twitter.]

No one will vote for her. No one. She should’ve been rich like me, but she’s a Jew. But Clinton is the real problem. He would hug a Muslim if he saw one! This is incredible to me. Those Muslims are a huge problem for America, huge. We can’t trust Clinton to fix it. Just like Robert Pattinson can’t trust Kristen. We can do better! I’d set him up with my son if he wasn’t for me already. Oh Robert I just want you to find love.

[Checks twitter, again.]

And we also need a cheerleader. I’m a great cheerleader. Men aren’t meant to lead the country. They aren’t. They can’t be cheerleaders for this country. And I’m a great cheerleader. I always have been. They can’t control themselves. What if they are in a meeting at the UN and they suddenly get a boner? They have to act on it.


There’s no other way for them. And, I can tell, some of the candidates, they went in. They didn’t know the air-conditioner didn’t work. They sweated like dogs. They didn’t know the room was too big, because they didn’t have anybody there.


How are they going to beat ISIS? I don’t think it’s gonna happen. That’s why women are just better. We just got to grab ’em by the sack! Grab ’em by the sack! They have been leading the country since the beginning and we are the most powerful country in the world.


Grab ’em by the sack! Simple as that. It’s that simple. I think I’m ready for my speech. Just going to listening to my favorite song to get me ready.

[Plays Fire by BTS and dances the most old white woman way possible—sitting and tapping her foot lightly]

[While checking twitter…] I’m Molly Rumpt, and I approve this message. I should retweet this.



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