As he was walking home from his job at the factory making pants, he thought, Why must I wear pants?! Pants are a prison for my beautiful thighs!
He decided to take a short cut through the woods. The sooner he could take off his pants, the better.
The moon was glowing with abnormal brightness this night, as if to provide Mark Ment with a flashlight home. Just as he was about to make the final turn to his house, a bright light followed by a sound as if something was crashing to the Earth, stopped him. He walked cautiously towards the light. He could see a hole where something had stuck the Earth. It was a Fairtex package.
He picked up the steaming package and carried it home. In the comfort of his studio apartment, he prepared to open the mysterious package.
As he cut into the packag–
“Shut up Paxton!” he yelled at his dog, who had not stopped barking since he entered with the box.
The box produced a massive flashing light. Almost like a tiny rave was happening within the box. He opened it to find a magnificently tiny pair of bright yellow shorts. He immediately ripped off his pants and slid them on.
He couldn’t believe the freedom he felt and vowed to never let them leave his body. Like seriously, he wouldn’t take them off. Even if he had already worn them to like a really hard workout class and sweat in them real bad; he would continue to wear them.
He starred at himself in the mirror. His legs looked so beautiful under the shorts. Like these shorts were meant to be his. Maybe this was fate. Maybe this was true love. He didn’t care. It was magical.
Rave lights similar to the ones within the box appeared beneath his shorts. He thought he might be getting a magical penis for a second, but something else happened. His legs began to change. What once was simply above average, suddenly became totally jacked. If his legs were a country, they were now Mother Russia: strong, unruly, but with a certain beauty and grace.
He went to bed happy, and hanging free, not giving any thought to the mystery of the shorts or his now strong legs.
The next morning he woke up and leapt from bed. He examined himself in the mirror in his shiny yellow shorts. He placed his factory pants over his shorts and whistled on his way to work.
He took the long way today, excited to feel the silk all day long. Just before he got to work, he heard a scream. Hoping it was a damsel in distress that he could rescue, he ran towards the sound.
When he arrived he found a small redhaired boy of about 15 being beaten by a woman that looked to be a hooker. Mark tore away his factory pants and prepared for action.
“Hey, lady! Get your damn hands off him!” He shouted with the same gusto as Marty McFly.
“Hey, how you know my name be Lady?” She asked.
He stood confused for a moment then continued. “Why are you hurting this boy?”
“This ain’t no boy! He shiffed me my money!” She said as some hair fell out of her head.
“Well, irregardless. Unhand him or face the wrath of….ummm…” he thought for a minute of the perfect superhero name befitting his tiny shorts. “Face the wrath of Tiny Shorts!”
Shit, that was the worst name I could’ve chosen. It implies I may also have a tiny penis… Oh well, gotta commit now!
“Tiny Shorts? Really?” said the hooker. Even the boy looked at him with confusion.
“Well…yeah…I got Tiny Shorts…and, yeah, just let him go!”
The hooker lunged at Tiny Shorts; and before either of them knew what was happening the hooker was on the ground, and Tiny Shorts was wiping her blood from his shirt.
“Woah, dude. What was that?” asked the boy.
“Ummm…that was Tiny Shorts.” He shrugged and walked away.
As soon as Mark got home he went to work changing all his pants into tear-aways. No one would recognize him because he always wore pants in public. Now, he would be ready for trouble at any moment. He agonized on whether or not he should lose the shirt too. After a long night, he decided it only made sense to also be shirtless. Because what kind of superhero that wears tiny shorts, would also wear a shirt? It didn’t make sense.
And with that, it was decided. Without training or any preparation at all, by day he was the factory worker Mark Ment, and by night, or anytime there is trouble (because superheroes save people at all times of the day now, it’s 2016), he would be…Tiny Shorts.
First Appearance of Dr. Baggypants
“I never knew that just spending an evening watching a movie in a theater covered in a mysterious sticky substance could be so fun, but you did it,” Mark said to his date. Her name was Annie, and she was just alright.
“Well,” she replied. “Movies are fun.”
He stopped her walking and starred deeply into her eyes.
“You are amazing,” he said and went in for a kiss.
She pulled away looking terrified.
“Mark, something is wrong with your pants!”
He looked down to see that his pants had started to glow.
“Oh, they, umm, do that sometimes. I better go fix them. Sorry.”
He turned down the alley and when he was out of sight; he ripped his pants and shirt off and followed the glow to danger.
Ugh, another date ruined! When will I ever find love?
Not long after he decided to be a superhero, the shorts would begin to glow anytime he was within 250 miles of danger. Also, because of his super-strength legs, he could run exactly 250 miles in under two minutes.
His shorts got brighter and brighter the further he ran, until finally, they returned to normal. He knew he was in the right place now.
He found himself at his own factory.
“Why would you take me here, Shorts?” He asked his crotch in frustration. He hated being at the place that wasn’t his true passion. Work was going fine. He just didn’t want to be there after hours.
He wandered around the outside of the factory, looking for signs of trouble, but finding nothing. Finally he found an open window, since his keys were in his other pants, and climbed in.
“What kind of crime could happen here? This is the most boring place in the world, Shorts.”
Just as he said that he heard a noise coming from the factory floor. His pants slightly flickered as he went towards it.
He could hear a grown man grunting, and as he got closer he heard him saying, “Where are they?!”
He hid behind his own desk to watch the man searching frantically through the pants they made that day. He works at a pants factory, Pants Unlimited, “Because pants are the only way a man looks good.”
The man turns towards Mark suddenly, making total eye contact.
“I wasn’t doing anything!” He screeched.
Before Mark could say anything, the man ran full force into a sewing machine. He became trapped inside the machine with only his legs hanging out. He cried in agony as the machine began sewing through him. Mark bolted towards the machine.
His powerful legs, however, took him too far, and he crashed into his boss’s desk across the room.
Man, Frank is going to KILL me!
He got up and ripped the sewing machine apart with his legs, freeing the man trapped inside. Mark picked him up and carried him to The Hospital on Westward Drive.
“This man needs help!” He yelled as he ran into the hospital.
“Oh my god! It’s Tiny Shorts!” screamed a male nurse in excitement.
Why is it only the male nurses?!
“What happened?” asked the desk attendant.
“He got stuck in a sewing machine at the Pants Unlimited factory.”
“Oh, I love those pants. ‘Because pants are the only way a man looks good!'”
Mark looked at him with confusion.
“Right. We will take him. Thank you.”
Mark left him in the care of The Hospital on Westward Drive. They had the best doctors there. If anyone could save that man, it was them.
Mark went to the hospital to check on the man the next day.
“Hi, a man was brought in last night after he got caught in a sewing machine. What room is he in?”
“You’re going to have to be more specific than that, sir.”
“Ummm, the one that happened at the pants factory.”
“Pants Unlimited or Pants Extra?”
“Oh my God, really?” He asked in bewilderment.
The nurse looked at him waiting.
“Umm, Pants Unlimited.”
“Thanks. Bye, Annie.”
“See you later, Mark.”
He walked into the room to find it empty, with the bed freshly made. He heard a scream coming from the hallway and immediately tore off his pants, ready for action.
A doctor was on the ground, completely dead. His head was taken off by a thin piece of wire or string. The only clue was a small piece of fabric found near the body, and a nurse ranting about the baggiest pair of pants she has ever seen.
First Appearance of Frat Boy
It has been hours since Tiny Shorts cleaned these streets. But, because of his 200 hours of mandatory service, he was back at it. The worst part was he had to wear long overalls the entire time. It had been months since he was free to wear his beautiful tiny shorts. He couldn’t complain much though, he met interesting people out there, on the streets.
To his surprise, most people in the program were like him. Not in the short shorts obsessed way, but the superhero way. He met one man that he thought showed great promise. He was a former Frat Boy from the local college that discovered alcohol gave him super strength.
Any time he because intoxicated, he could lift anything. His only weakness, a latex allergy. Mark could never remember his name and just took to calling him, Frat Boy or F-Boy for short. While talking, they discovered they have very similar interests. F-Boy would always talk about the importance of leg day, and Mark just loved to talk about legs and kicks. Sometimes they would just take turns kicking trash into the bags, but often the overalls got in the way.
One day F-Boy stopped showing up. Mark assumed he completed his hours, but missed his friend. Nobody else wanted to kick stuff with him. And they were getting tired of being asked. Picking up trash started to become boring, and he would pick up trash and just think about why he was doing this, just like the judge said.
After an epic defeat of Baggy Pants, Tiny Shorts was walking home when he saw someone trying to rob a liquor store. Because of the superhero Tiny Shorts was he felt this problem was too small for him so he kept walking. The wind blew up his shorts, and he was arrested for indecent exposure. He vowed to never wear his tiny shorts again.
That was until he got the call.
It was the hospital.
“Your brother escaped,” the female voice said.
“You have the wrong number,” and he hung up, not thinking of it anymore. Until he got another call.
“Hello Tiny Shorts,” Mark’s heart dropped. It was Baggy Pants.
“No! I’m Tiny Shorts!”
“But you said, ‘Hello, Tiny Shorts.'”
“No, I said, ‘Hello, it’s Tiny Shorts.'”
“I don’t think you did.”
“No! Whatever, that’s not the point. I’m calling because I have your friend, Steve.”
“Steve, your friend.”
“I don’t know a Steve.”
“Steve! Come here!” There was some shuffling on the other end.
Then there was another voice, “Hey, Mark.”
“F-Boy?” Mark couldn’t believe it. How did Baggy Pants know about Frat Boy? They weren’t even friends on Facebook. But their bond ran so deep, Mark knew he had to act.
“You have until tomorrow night to return my shorts or Steve dies.” Click. And Baggy Pants was gone.
Wow, I’m glad the hospital called the wrong number or I wouldn’t have been here to answer Baggy Pants’ call. But how did he escape from the mental institution? I doesn’t matter now. He is on the streets again.
Tiny Shorts is back for one last mission.
Fray Boy’s Salvation
Okay, where did I leave those shorts? Ugh! The gym!
Mark walked all the way to the gym. It was only two blocks away, and because it was so nice out, he didn’t mind the walk.
When he got to the gym though, he saw this sign.
Gym closed due to clogged pipes. (That's why we have the 'Please do not shave pubes' rule.) Back next week! -Management
Next week! Frat Boy doesn’t have that long! Who knows what Baggy Pants is doing to him! Wow, maybe I should call him by his name, Frat Boy sounds weird. What is it again? Steve? God, that’s worse than Frat Boy.
He decided the best way into the gym was through a window in the locker room. Mostly because, it was open.
He found it easy to slide through the small opening. It must be all the fat burning he was doing.
I’ve going to thank Jessica for those Zumba classes. He thought as he feel face-first through the window. He landed on a bench in the locker room. He groaned loudly.
He slowly got to his feet and hobbled to his locker, very sore from the fall. He put in his combination: 0, 6, 9, and giggled as he did it.
He opened the locker and tears filled his eyes.
It had been so long since he felt the freedom of the shorts. But it felt like being home again.
He stretched a little bit before leaving out the window again. It was easier than coming inside with the help of the shorts.
“Time to do some rescuing again!” He exclaimed triumphantly.
He ran like the wind to the factory that started it all. As he ran, his shorts started to glow. Everything felt right again. The shorts haven’t glowed like this in almost a year. He ran and ran, with the speed of something very fast, with only the glow of his shorts to light his way.
There it was, Pants Unlimited. So many terrible and great memories there. He defeated Baggy Pants there once, and now he would do it again.
His plan was simple, be confident. Baggy Pants is expecting some washed up idiot. That’s exactly what he wouldn’t be.
Great plan, Mark. You really are a genius.
“Thanks Mark!” he replied in Superman-stance.
He approached the factory slowly, looking for the best entrance. The main entrance seemed to be good enough.
He started with the factory floor, since that is where this all began. But nothing. So he went up to the offices. Still nothing. He checked the bathrooms, still nothing.
Then his pants started to glow brighter as he walked towards his own work station. He walked slowly and starting to hear arguing.
“No, that’s not what he means.”
“So, he doesn’t mean what he says?!”
Frat Boy, I’ve found you! He recognized his voice as soon as he heard it.
“No, he isn’t afraid to say what he thinks! That’s the point.”
“I don’t care, what he thinks is wrong.”
Oh God, Baggy Pants got him talking about Trump. He might kill him to shut him up.
Tiny Shorts decided his best approach would be to let Frat Boy distract him just a bit longer, so he could get into position.
“How can you say that? What about the e-mails?!”
“Oh my God! What about the tax returns?”
“Who cares about his taxes! Taxes don’t matter!”
Tiny Shorts moved so that he was right behind Baggy Pants. Ready to attack.
“You keep that in mind when he raises your taxes and keeps getting breaks for the rich!”
He pulled himself up on a low hanging pipe so he could be just above Baggy Pants. And just before Baggy Pants was going to deliver a comeback to Frat Boy, Tiny Shorts dropped from the pipe, crotch first into Baggy Pants, knocking him out.
“Hi, Frat Boy!” He yelled, then went to untie him.
“Oh dude, thanks so much! I was about to destroy this idiot. Do you know he voted for Trump?!”
“And he kidnapped you.” Tiny Shorts pointed out.
“Oh yeah, that too,” F-Boy said smiling.
“Well, he won’t be out for long. What’s the plan?”
“Dude, what are you wearing?” F-Boy asked looking confused by his shorts.
“I never told you about my shorts?”
“Why are they so small?”
“So my legs have freedom!”
F-Boy shrugged. “Why are they glowing?”
“Because of danger!” He said quickly. “Focus, we need a plan for when he wakes up!”
“Did you bring any booze?”
“No, but I have some in my desk.” Tiny Shorts ran to his desk, opening the bottom drawer and pulling out a bottle of scotch.
“Dude, this is perfect,” he said and finished the bottle.
Baggy Pants started to stand up, groaning as he did.
“He’s getting up!” F-Boy shouted.
The boys sprang into action, like the Avengers would. They were a regular Hawkeye and Blackwidow combo-good, but not that special.
F-Boy would throw him into Tiny Shorts’ powerful legs, sending Baggy Pants flying to a sewing machine again and again.
But, no matter how hard they hit him, his baggy pants always saved him. Because they were so baggy.
After another throw, F-Boy called out, “How do we kill this guy?!”
“I don’t know!”
Baggy Pants started laughing uncontrollably. “You can’t kill me! My Baggy Pants will always protect me!”
Then Tiny Shorts remembered the last time he took down Baggy Pants.
“We need to pants him!” Tiny Shorts called.
“Aren’t they sewn into him?”
“Don’t worry, you are strong enough!” Tiny Shorts called out. Tiny Shorts kicked Baggy Pants into a desk. Then ran up and kneed him until F-Boy was in position.
F-Boy grabbed Baggy Pants by his pockets and pulled down with all of his super strength.
Baggy Pants cried out as the pants were ripped from his body. He stood there for a moment with his pants at his ankles, showing his Spiderman underwear. Then he fell and never got back up.
F-Boy walked over to Tiny Shorts, and they hugged.
“Dude, your shorts!” F-Boy pointed at Tiny Shorts torn shorts.
The shorts had torn so badly, and the only thing left was the waistband.
“I didn’t even feel it!” Tiny Shorts looked up sadly. “Can we fix it?”
“Well, what does that machine do?”
They worked well into the night trying to reattach the shorts. But no matter how hard they worked, the pants wouldn’t glow. He would put them on, but no strength came to his legs.
He looked to F-Boy. “What am I going to do?”
“It’s okay. You don’t need those shorts to fight crime!”
“Then what will my name be? If I’m not Tiny Shorts.”
“You’ll be Mark, and I’ll be Steve!”
The Making of Tiny Shorts: A Self Interview
People stop me on the street to ask me how Tiny Shorts came to be, or they are mad about the ending. So, this is for you, my mom.
How did Tiny Shorts start?
Well, I was at Muay Thai one day and thought, those are some tiny shorts. I bet they feel great for people with penises.
Is the character based on a real person?
I get this question so much. Mark [Tiny Shorts] was not based on any one person, but the shorts are based on shorts owned by a friend of mine. They don’t glow but they are still cool.
Were people upset about the time difference between the original and the revamp?
Well, with any story, people wanted to know more. But I didn’t want Tiny Shorts to be an endlessly story of the same thing. So I decided to leave it up to the reader to fill in the blank between the original and the revamp.
How did your readers react to the ending?
The readers seemed to be upset that I destroyed the shorts, but I think the ending sent a message that it’s not about super powers or defeating evil. It’s about a relationship between two men that believe in each other. Mark and Steve bond over defeating Baggy Pants by pantsing him, and they can finally accept themselves.
What’s next for Tiny Shorts?
He still has adventures with Steve helping each other and finding trouble occasionally.
Will we ever read some of those adventures?
I haven’t written anything yet. But you’ll be the first to know, because I’ll post it.
This questions came from no one, but if you wanted to know it, here it is. If you really have questions comment or tweet @amylynn_peace.